A very merry unbirthday to you!

But that’s you. As for me, well, today is my birthday. 29th, to be precise.
I could write about taking stock of my life so far.
I could write about my dreams for the future.
I could just plain write about myself.

But I decided to leave that to you. Here’s the deal: write me something, anything, whatever, about me. It doesn’t have to be true or even remotely based on any kind of fact. It does, however, need to make me feel good somehow, what with this being my birthday and all.
ONLY the comments that make me smile, laugh, or need a cold shower, will go into a draw to win one of three fabulous gift bags. And what is in these gift bags, you ask? There will be some destashed items, such as books, cd’s, dvd’s, handbags, yarn, or whatever the hell else I decide to pass on to a new home. There will also be items handcrafted by yours truly. All items will be in good condition, and come from a smoke-free home, however I do have a cat so if you are allergic I will be unable to send you anything soft and fluffy. I am not currently specifying the exact content of each gift bag, because that will be determined after I have done some creepy stalking of the lucky winners.

I’m giving y’all a week. Comments posted until the end of May ’08 will be included in the draw. Good luck to you, and Happy Birthday to me!

* Be warned that some of the people I hang out with on teh intarwebz have quite impressive pottymouths, and I have no control whatsoever over what they might choose to say here. Read other comments at your own discretion, and please don’t be offended by anybody else here. This is about me, after all, and I can say to a certainty that I’m not offended by any of it.

1 June ’08 – I’ve locked the comments and will be drawing the winners when I don’t have any screaming babies trying to destroy my laptop.

22 Comments

Filed under Introduction, Random Ranting

22 responses to “A very merry unbirthday to you!

  1. eudyptula

    Here’s one for you: apparently, I’ve developed the ability to curse out and/or call names in my sleep. Last night I called my Charlie cat an “asshole” for touching me with his butthole, all while dead asleep. I’ve also been known to roll over and hit my husband in the nuts, also while sleeping. I take this as validation that my nature is just contrary, and everyone else will just have to put the fuck up with it.

    I’ll be back when I think of more.

  2. Melissa/TheQueen

    Mah yberry, you never fail to make mah day. Your “mazel twat” makes me belly laugh, and the fact that you live in Israel, for some reason I cannot fathom, tickles me no end. I stalk you, I stalk your blog, and I wish I had been as cool as you when I was 29. As it is, I’m only now beginning to find the dregs of coolness somewhere in my character, and it usually comes off as supreme dorkiness.

    You, mah sistah in LSG’ness, do seriously, amazingly, RAWK. I would be glad to write your mom and thank her for you, if you like. (I know how to speak fluent Jewish Mama, being one and also having one.) Celebrate you – your birth, your being, your life, the awesomenewss that is YOU.

    (Being the Queen and all… we command it.)

  3. eudyptula

    The Tale told by yberry’s profile, on the occasion of her birthday:

    “Once upon a time in Israel, there lived the increasingly less young Lady Y. Though she loved Tel Aviv, a huge destructive whirlwind known as ‘graduate school’ descended and swept her and her family off to depths of the desert. Making the best of things, she tried to set up her holistic therapy shop, but was thwarted by the demands of her hungry children, who wanted nursing despite their garlic breath. Try as she might, the locals did not appreciate her, and refused to pay her in anything but couscous.

    Poor Lady Y did not know what to do, so she decided to do whatever the hell she wanted. Purchasing drifts of yarn, she first knitted a talisman of the great protector Johnny Cash, who kept away dentists and traveling salesmen with the powerful incantation “damn your eyes.” This allowed her to practice her yoga and belly dancing in peace, with out heed to the gardeners who vexed her from the yard. Unfortunately Johnny Cash was not a protector of baking, and so did nothing to prevent burned bread. Luckily, Lady Y was able to release her frustrations by shouting at a coven of hideous internet witches, who admired her talisman as well as her haircut. “Mazel Twat!” they all shouted in celebration of her greatness.

    Legend says that one day, Lady Y will overcome her frustrations (including lame internet friends who don’t read directions) and arise, blinding everyone with the light from her jeweled glasses, and forcing them to pay her tribute in chocolate.”

    How’s that?

  4. KnitchPearls

    My pink Vespa and I yearn for the day you sit on the seat. sniff sniff sniff sniff lick lick lick lick

  5. A birthday song for you (sung to the tune of the chorus of Jingle Bells.

    Oh, mazel twat, mazel twat
    Mazel twat twat twaaaat,
    Don’t be sad you’re 29, cause baby
    You’re still hotttttttttt!

    Mazel twat, mazel twat,
    I wish you lots of luck
    Don’t forget when life is tough
    Just say “what the fuck”

  6. KnitchPearls

    I should get a special prize for naming you Mazeltwat.

  7. Susan/LotusHips

    Ah to be young and hot again as you most assuredly are what with the cool new haircut and fabulous pottymouth. I get happy yummy feelings when I see your ravatar next to a post because I just know it will be something highly entertaining in the true “lsg way”. If it is not a humorous post your response to whatever is being discussed is genuine and filled with true feelings whether about yourself or in support of another twatweasel.

    You are at the top of my girl crush list and if I decided to go gay for the day a ticket to the land of the sandy cunt would be purchased toot de sweet!

    Loads of kisses and inappropriate, long distance humping for you as a belated birthday gift ::mwah::

  8. jozwitch

    When I offered whackboy up for sale, he was totally ready to go to Israel to be your slave boy. I’m not sure how I should feel about that, but I think you’re a cool lady so maybe I won’t mind sharing since it’s your last year in your 20s and all. I’m pretty generous like that.
    Just so you know, he talks. A lot.
    So should I put him in a box and send him off? I’m sure he’ll be fine in a cargo hold. 😉

  9. dontcare

    Happy Birthday. Did you ever get the desert sand out of there, or will you sprinkle me like cinnamon on ice cream when you show me your affection?

  10. dontcare

    Did you ever get the desert sand out? Or will you sprinkle me like cinnamon in your affections when I come to visit? Happy Birthday.

  11. dontcare

    your blog hates me. I just want to know if you ever got the desert sand out of there, or are you going to sprinkle me like cinnamon?

  12. In the short time I have known you (no, not in the Biblical sense, and more’s the pity), you have made me belly laugh, drool a little, ponder, research the price of plane tickets, click your love button, and giggle. A lot. Any of these on their lonesome would be impressive, but you’ve made up a whole package with a shiny bow. So I give you this package back, for your birthday! With a cherry. You are funny *and* sexy, a winning combination if there ever was one.

  13. missschwartz

    I want a package, but I hate cats…well, actually cats hate me-we just don’t get along, but since I really like mail and am a big fan of new and novel things, I figure you should take your birthday self and sends me a package.

    No scarves though, I’ve got bunches of those, and I’m not even cool enough to wear them.

    I suspect that you are one of those chicks (like so many) who gets rapidly cooler with age due prominently to the fact that you were a dork in highschool…and hopefully you are bilingual. Also, maybe you will become a certified yoga instructor soon. I hope to do that too, but its going to be hard to pull off for me-what with class getting in the way.

  14. kellymitchell

    I randomly have come across your blog and when i heard that there were pre-loved prizes, that could set off my cat allergies, up for grabs i just couldn’t resist!

    so to make your day i thought i’d give you some random information of the happenings of 1979 (a very good year for you)

    – the first ever female prime minister of England was elected
    – the average cost of a house was – $58,100.00
    – the first sony walkman was invented – $200.00
    – Snowboard was invented
    – YMCA sues the Village People for libel because of their song of the same name

    Popular movies released:
    – Rocky II
    – Alien
    – The Muppet Movie

    Top Musicians:
    -Michael Jackson
    -Pink Floyd
    -Boomtown Rats
    -Blondie

    (pick the odd one out there!)

    Popular TV Programmes:
    – The Love Boat
    – M*A*S*H
    – Diff’rent Strokes
    – The Young and the Restless

    this might not have blown your mind with humourous anictdotes but you just learnt stuff with out even knowing you were learning! jokes really on you!

    Happy birthday

  15. I’m eating matzohs that I found in a Dumpster. Want me to stick a candle in one and dedicate it to you?

  16. Rathillet

    I read a little book a long long time a go that I’m still convinced taught me everything that was truly important in life. “Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten”

    It includes such deep and meaningful, life changing things as:

    Don’t hit people.
    Clean up your own mess.
    Wash your hands before you eat.
    ~*Flush*~
    Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you.
    Take a nap every afternoon.
    Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the Styrofoam cup – they all die. So do we.

    And then when all else failed, I turned to LSG and learned everything that I *really* needed to know.

    Like that teh internetz will provide me with a baby jebus butt plug.

  17. There once was a girl named yberry
    She had dark eyes and was really quite hairy.

    Her friends all sucked, all the time
    She’s lucky any of them can manage to rhyme
    These words to celebrate the craziest birthday
    of
    all
    time.

    And there, you have the shittiest poem ever, EVAR written.

    Happy birthday, crotch.

  18. Deborah/Candyheart

    I have kept myself out of trouble (I have stirred the pot in the thread about those Niebling lace patterns) trying to guess your first name: Yaffa, Yonit, Yael . . .

    I’ve been to BeerSheva! And now that I’ve seen a picture of your backyard I can picture you knitting away with your kids frolicking next to you and shouting for glida! Ani rotza glida!

    So enjoy your glida and oogah and shokolad and lots and lots of yarn! Lots of love from NC.

  19. I, being lazier than Candyheart, just checked your profile and discovered that your name is supposedly Yael. Which according to google means ‘mountain goat’. Were your parents mad at you? Alternatively, it might mean Strength of God, which is massively unLSG of you. Sounds like you’re screwed either way.

    I agree with the other LSGers who find your ravatar a sign of funniness to come. You frequently make me giggle.

    Now, go post bellydance videos for us to watch. Please?

    Congratulations on turning 29 for the first time.

  20. MissCandaceB

    Something about you… Hmmm…

    When I see your name next to a Ravelry post, I want fruit.

    Mmmm, fruit. With its juicy flesh filling my mouth with…. fruity juiciness.

    Yeah… fruit.

  21. Crotchrot is bad… so is the “muffin top”

  22. zephyr

    My dear Miss Yberry, I have to apologize. I have yet to finish the smut-tastic story I have promised you. Every time I try to put you into an erotic situation, my brain runs rampant, and I fail to get anything written down. Never fear, though! Even though it won’t be done in time for your contest, you will still be getting your story. I’m just not sure when. Just stay on top of me until I upload it to you.

    };->

    ~Zephyr